My mother passed away; she died of kidney disease. It came out of nowhere, I drove down to where she lived, and spent full days, from 8 – midnight at her bedside alongside my father and siblings, and in less than a week she was gone. My heart has only ached this way once before, and that was when I had to bury my daughter. Over the last two years my mom was very ill, but the last four months or so she was getting better or at least stabilized. She had taken her reprieve from being in hospital and recovery homes to open up with us girls about her childhood and past. Little did I know it was her, making amends with her past. She revealed to us that she had been the victim domestic violence to the man she had married before my father. A man only my father knew of, as far as were knew—dad was her only husband. She was 17 when she ran off to get married in Mexico, to a man ten years older than herself. Quickly she learned that this was not some fairytale story that she imagined it would be; instead it ended up being a nightmare. He beat her, raped her, and when she was pregnant with twins he beat her so severely that she lost them. I almost was in shock to hear my mother tell the story of her life, because in some ways it mimicked mine with Coward. I never told my mother was Coward did to me, out of shame but mostly because I didn’t want her to feel bad that she didn’t see it, or that she didn’t help me. I understand shame very well; it’s what kept me silent for years. I now freely share what Coward did to me and others, because I’m not the one who did anything wrong to be ashamed of, HE DID.
The shame kept my mom silent for 50 years. I wish she would have shared these things when I was younger, so that I would have been more aware of what abuse looked like.
My mother had a really crappy childhood, she married young, was raped, beaten and had to bury two children all before 18. She could have used the hurt that this man inflicted upon her as an excuse to lash out, to beat us, to hurt us or my dad, but she didn’t. She loved, and kissed and hugged us girls all the time. She loved her children, grandchildren & husband deeply and completely.
One thing I want to emphasize is for you to talk about domestic/sexual and child abuse with your children. Tell them when they’re old enough to understand why it’s never ok to hit a woman or man. Tell them it’s never their fault, because they stayed, they dressed a certain way, was “asking for it”—NO EXCUSES and STOP the cycle of ABUSE.
