Coward & Nigella Lawson's Husband are two peas in a pod, just across the pond from each other

  

I love Nigella Lawson. I have her cookbooks; have watched her shows and have admired her fiery, no holds barred approach to life and cooking. Over the weekend there were pictures of her husband of 10 years  and herself, in an argument where it  eventually escalated to him putting his hands around her throat. Nigella Lawson is an highly educated, extremely successful woman. I know people are asking themselves how could this happen to her? It happened, because domestic violence happens everywhere. Seeing the picture of the hands of Nigella's husbands wrapped around her throat, made me get a lump in mine. It brought back memories of Coward slamming me against the wall hands on my neck and pushing his arms against my collar bone. It brought back memories of him holding my arms down while we were at restaurants so he could belittle me, make me listen to his crazy incoherent rants and I had to stop and listen--there was no escape. Just like the incident with Nigella where noone said anything but instead watched, no one offered any me help either. Not for a minute do I believe the load of bullshit from Nigella's husband, with his statement that the pictures look worse than it really are, it was just a little argument-he said. He is an abuser-period. Just imagine what happens BEHIND closed doors. I do, I know exactly what does/did--because I've been in her shoes.

I was with Coward for nearly 10 years myself, and the question people asked when I told them what happened me is..HOW? How could that happen to you, you're a happy, intelligent, educated woman; this is the kind of thing that happens to ghetto, uneducated, seven kids from six daddies kind of thing. No, this can happen to anyone. I can only imagine what Nigella is thinking and going through. I'm sure she is embarrassed, mad, angry, ashamed, humiliated and so many other things. But the one things she needs to feel is love, love from those of us who have been there. She needs to feel love from those who would never be ok with a man doing this, and that place NO blame on her whatsoever. It is not your fault, no matter if you argued back, like I have. It's not your fault because of something you did, or didn't do or whatever goddamn excuses he gives you for his justification of his actions. You and your children deserve better. I'm rooting for you Nigella and all others in her shoes.

Bumper Sticker: I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

I read this bumper sticker once that said, " The things you hate the most, is what you desire the most." I'm guessing some church gave those out in hopes of letting you feel good about all the people who dislike you, because that is a load of crap!

No? Example. I hate pedophiles. I don't want to be one, nor could I ever or would be one. I hate parents, men, and women who abuse; children, elderly, women, men, animals. But I am not, nor would I ever abuse someone. I also dislike Bleu cheese and believe it is vile and smells like gym socks, but I don't want to be a block of stinky cheese.

The first two things, I honestly do hate, the last one I just dislike. They are not the same word, not even close-- two very different meanings. I honestly do not hate many things in this life, and I sparingly use this word because when I do express it- I fully mean it.  I hate Coward.  The thing is, love is NOT the opposite of hate, it's indifference.  I haven't gotten to that point with him yet. I know that in order to move forward I need to forgive Coward. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but it's not for him that I need to forgive, it's for me.

All the things I went through, all the manipulation, lies, betrayal, physical and emotional abuse, all of it made me so much stronger. It also caused me to be very empathetic and sympathetic to many people on many issues hence why, I have a big soft heart. I became very sensitive to what makes a good man, father, husband, just a good human being. It made me see what is really important in life, and what's not.

Like when I got divorced, I have remained friendly with my ex, with an open door policy because I knew that my ex was a good dad who loved our son, and in the end that's all that mattered. I don't care about money, or being difficult with him--that will get me nowhere except going in circles.  The end result is a great, happy, kid, who is grounded, secure and knows that he is loved by us all. When I kept that in mind with my bonus children from my present husband it made it easy to love them too. I am proud, that almost 14 years of being their step mom and my stepson tells me I'm one of his most favorite people on the planet; and the feeling is mutual. My stepdaughter loves me too, calls me mom & I'm Mi-Mi to her children.

I'm letting love fuel my life, and I appreciate true, honest, respectful love SO, SO much because of what I had to go through. Because I have an loving, honest, cheating or lying is not an option ever man in my life, giving me support to work through this I know I will come out on the other side.

So for those of you who have wandered here looking for answers of WHY? HOW? and will it get better for me? The answer is YES, but not with him. Your new life is out there waiting for you, you just have to take the first and very hard steps to get there.

I knew about a year before I kicked Coward out, that I wanted out. I knew he was never going to be what I wanted, he was never going to change. It took me a YEAR to muster up the strength and courage to put all his stuff on the lawn. If I wouldn't have kicked him out I would have stayed with him, for who knows how long. I'm so grateful that I didn't--I would never have gotten the chance on this life.

There is HOPE.