Bumper Sticker: I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

I read this bumper sticker once that said, " The things you hate the most, is what you desire the most." I'm guessing some church gave those out in hopes of letting you feel good about all the people who dislike you, because that is a load of crap!

No? Example. I hate pedophiles. I don't want to be one, nor could I ever or would be one. I hate parents, men, and women who abuse; children, elderly, women, men, animals. But I am not, nor would I ever abuse someone. I also dislike Bleu cheese and believe it is vile and smells like gym socks, but I don't want to be a block of stinky cheese.

The first two things, I honestly do hate, the last one I just dislike. They are not the same word, not even close-- two very different meanings. I honestly do not hate many things in this life, and I sparingly use this word because when I do express it- I fully mean it.  I hate Coward.  The thing is, love is NOT the opposite of hate, it's indifference.  I haven't gotten to that point with him yet. I know that in order to move forward I need to forgive Coward. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but it's not for him that I need to forgive, it's for me.

All the things I went through, all the manipulation, lies, betrayal, physical and emotional abuse, all of it made me so much stronger. It also caused me to be very empathetic and sympathetic to many people on many issues hence why, I have a big soft heart. I became very sensitive to what makes a good man, father, husband, just a good human being. It made me see what is really important in life, and what's not.

Like when I got divorced, I have remained friendly with my ex, with an open door policy because I knew that my ex was a good dad who loved our son, and in the end that's all that mattered. I don't care about money, or being difficult with him--that will get me nowhere except going in circles.  The end result is a great, happy, kid, who is grounded, secure and knows that he is loved by us all. When I kept that in mind with my bonus children from my present husband it made it easy to love them too. I am proud, that almost 14 years of being their step mom and my stepson tells me I'm one of his most favorite people on the planet; and the feeling is mutual. My stepdaughter loves me too, calls me mom & I'm Mi-Mi to her children.

I'm letting love fuel my life, and I appreciate true, honest, respectful love SO, SO much because of what I had to go through. Because I have an loving, honest, cheating or lying is not an option ever man in my life, giving me support to work through this I know I will come out on the other side.

So for those of you who have wandered here looking for answers of WHY? HOW? and will it get better for me? The answer is YES, but not with him. Your new life is out there waiting for you, you just have to take the first and very hard steps to get there.

I knew about a year before I kicked Coward out, that I wanted out. I knew he was never going to be what I wanted, he was never going to change. It took me a YEAR to muster up the strength and courage to put all his stuff on the lawn. If I wouldn't have kicked him out I would have stayed with him, for who knows how long. I'm so grateful that I didn't--I would never have gotten the chance on this life.

There is HOPE.