Humilation

Sorting through photos today I came across a picture of him and I.  I’ve been asked by my sister why I don’t get rid of any pictures of him and I tell her, "because I’m in them too." I have thrown away any that were of just him, but the ones I’m in, I still have them. They are literal snapshots in time of my life.  Looking at the picture I see me, so young—just a baby.  I also see that engagement ring he gave me on my hand.  I sold it for the gold and ruby/diamonds many years ago, it wasn't worth much, but I didn't want it in my jewelry box any longer. I suppose I could have just thrown it away, but it could at least buy a dinner a nice dinner for friends and that’s just what I did with it.

That dress I’m wearing in the picture, it triggered a memory I had long suppressed. Coward wanted to have pictures taken at Sears, and so we had driven to the mall where it was located. On the way there he got into one of his moods—if you’ve been on the end of one of these you know what I’m talking about. Honestly I don’t know what triggered the arguments half the time, it really was what was going on in his head most of the times it wasn’t even anything I’d personally done. Soon I was crying, he was yelling and it went on for about an hour in his truck in the parking lot. I didn't want to go in and get my pictures taken now, my face was a mess, and my eyes were puffy. He was even madder now, because I didn’t want to go in, and damn it-- he was here to take the picture!  Finally I gave in, really it wasn’t a matter of giving in, I had NO choice but to go inside and have the pictures taken. I could fix myself up in the bathroom at Sears beforehand he said to me.  Here is the big part of this memory that makes my heart sink. Crossing the street from the parking lot into Sears I ran into my Aunt, my favorite Aunt who was at the time the GM for Sears and with her, I find out later is her boss. Not only is my face a mess, puffy and clearly I’d been crying, but I was wearing this thin pink dress that Coward FIRMLY insisted I didn’t wear a bra with. He insisted I didn’t wear a bra with most things and panties at times too. Sleeping naked was forced too, thank god for periods and the only time I could wear panties. Anyhow,the wind was blowing hard that day, making my dress cling to my breast and making my nipples show through.  I was humiliated and so embarrassed, for both her and I to see me this way. She met my face with her eyes, made small chit chat with Coward and I, and then kissed me goodbye on my cheek with a “call me” in my ear. Coward was clueless as to what had transpired; he always was a bit socially inept. So much humiliation, so many things he imposed upon me over the times we were together. 

This is what happens when I open up a corner of my memory, is that other things flood in. Oh so much more to share about his doucebagness, it’s just come flooding back in.