Coward the douche bag, and hindsight.

I go to group once a week for EBT (emotional brain training.) It’s a way to sort of rewire your brain to deal with the anxiety and stresses of life. Obviously for me, it’s dealing with my past and how my past can creep into my present life. I am a pretty happy person, our home is a happy home filled with love, laughter and the place where family & friends, want to come. I have a wonderful marriage and great relationships with my son, stepchildren and my own family. I rack my own brain as to why I can have all this, all this, that is way more than I’d ever thought I’d get, and yet those voices of self-doubt still seep into my thoughts. The mental abuse, the things said, the situations I was in, formed the way I thought about things for some time. It’s hard to break old habits, and this EBT is helping me rewire how I react to things. I’m only one month in, I have a long way to go.

I was thinking the other day about an old friend who knew both Coward and I, so long ago. He was my friend on FB, up until I could no longer take his extremist conservative, right wing rants. The ironic thing was that back in those days I was the conservative one; I didn’t drink minus a wine cooler or two with Coward since he liked girly drinks. I started drinking wine with my boss & her family when I was 25, or an occasional beer after one of my community theater performances. I went to a conservative Baptist church, I didn’t curse, I was never into drugs or anything illegal, I was a registered Republican, had very conservative beliefs, believed spanking children was ok, and so on. Pretty much all of that was COWARD.

I am so happy to say that I am a Democrat, pro-choice, spiritual, Pro Gay Marriage, amazing martini maker, fine wine coinsurer, spanking a child is never o.k., recycling, volunteering, tree-hugging, best friend is Mexican, son is half Portuguese loves everyone even my republican parents-- person. This is me. This is, and who was in my heart all along. That old friend on FB is a lot like Coward—a finger pointing, victim blaming, self-righteous bible-thumping douche bag. Also like Coward but WAY sooner than Coward I got fed up and un-friended him. I wish I could have been back then who I am now. I would have left the first time Coward lost it, and threw that pan of brownies at my head. I would have told everyone what a fucking nutjob he was/is, which is what everyone told me and tells me now. Ugh. Hindsight is 20/20 I know.

Humilation

Sorting through photos today I came across a picture of him and I.  I’ve been asked by my sister why I don’t get rid of any pictures of him and I tell her, "because I’m in them too." I have thrown away any that were of just him, but the ones I’m in, I still have them. They are literal snapshots in time of my life.  Looking at the picture I see me, so young—just a baby.  I also see that engagement ring he gave me on my hand.  I sold it for the gold and ruby/diamonds many years ago, it wasn't worth much, but I didn't want it in my jewelry box any longer. I suppose I could have just thrown it away, but it could at least buy a dinner a nice dinner for friends and that’s just what I did with it.

That dress I’m wearing in the picture, it triggered a memory I had long suppressed. Coward wanted to have pictures taken at Sears, and so we had driven to the mall where it was located. On the way there he got into one of his moods—if you’ve been on the end of one of these you know what I’m talking about. Honestly I don’t know what triggered the arguments half the time, it really was what was going on in his head most of the times it wasn’t even anything I’d personally done. Soon I was crying, he was yelling and it went on for about an hour in his truck in the parking lot. I didn't want to go in and get my pictures taken now, my face was a mess, and my eyes were puffy. He was even madder now, because I didn’t want to go in, and damn it-- he was here to take the picture!  Finally I gave in, really it wasn’t a matter of giving in, I had NO choice but to go inside and have the pictures taken. I could fix myself up in the bathroom at Sears beforehand he said to me.  Here is the big part of this memory that makes my heart sink. Crossing the street from the parking lot into Sears I ran into my Aunt, my favorite Aunt who was at the time the GM for Sears and with her, I find out later is her boss. Not only is my face a mess, puffy and clearly I’d been crying, but I was wearing this thin pink dress that Coward FIRMLY insisted I didn’t wear a bra with. He insisted I didn’t wear a bra with most things and panties at times too. Sleeping naked was forced too, thank god for periods and the only time I could wear panties. Anyhow,the wind was blowing hard that day, making my dress cling to my breast and making my nipples show through.  I was humiliated and so embarrassed, for both her and I to see me this way. She met my face with her eyes, made small chit chat with Coward and I, and then kissed me goodbye on my cheek with a “call me” in my ear. Coward was clueless as to what had transpired; he always was a bit socially inept. So much humiliation, so many things he imposed upon me over the times we were together. 

This is what happens when I open up a corner of my memory, is that other things flood in. Oh so much more to share about his doucebagness, it’s just come flooding back in.

Fool, Foolish Coward

I was standing in line at coffee shop this morning and I was overhearing the conversation of the young kids in back of me. In youthful joviality one of them was sharing how he was planning to prank his sister, with an April Fools joke. I felt like I had heard the word fool for the first time in years. I have this happen lately, where I remember things that I have suppressed--they come at me so randomly. That's what happens when you start picking at a scab, you open up old wounds. The word fool was not allowed in the vernacular with Coward. " Don't call me a fool, or say, foolish! A fool is one who does not know god!" Ah, there goes that preaching again.

I love when people nit pick what scripture they want to follow. The fool part matters SO, SO much but ignore the; abuse, lying, infidelity not following the law of the land and so on. Really I could go on and on, because there's so much, hypocrisy coming from him.



“To those who abuse: the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours. To those who protect the perpertrators: blaming the victims only masks the evil within, making you as guilty as those who abuse. Stand up for the innocent or go down with the rest.”
― Flora Jessop, Church of Lies

Watching your own life on screen

The other day I got caught up on the DVR and watched SVU one of my favorite shows. This one hit entirely too close to home. I‘m sure it was directed at the singer Rihanna and her boyfriend Chris Brown; as It was about domestic violence. In 2009 Rihanna was beat up by Chris Brown, before the Grammy award show. It was documented all over the media, and she broke up with him. Recently she rekindled her relationship with him, hence the nod towards them both with this episode. In the episode after the faux Rihanna is beat up by her boyfriend, she is angry at first but like so many victims, forgives him, and takes him back. The character is 19, young and naive and she thinks he’s changed his abusive ways. She of course thinks she's really in love with him, and doesn't see anything because her emotions are clouded.  Sadly she finds out just how right the D.A whom wanted to press charges, was, because she. the faux Rihanna ends up dead.

I obviously am alive therefore not entirely like the episode, but there are victims of Coward, two babies who are not alive because of him. I was so upset after watching this, that I couldn't fall asleep that night. I tossed and turned and no amount of holding from my husband or trying to talk it out was helping. I just was so angry at my once upon a time, 19 year old self for staying with that asshole. I hate when I play that woulda, coulda, shoulda, game in my head. I beat myself up because I tried to be friends with him, to even possibly get back together with him. GAH, I was freak’n insane! Ok, not insane but clearly not thinking things through. I know that I was doing what many victims have and will do, but when it’s my own self that has acted out in this matter it’s different.

I want to say I’m saddened, and joyful at the same time that I have been contacted by many of his ex’s. I know that I am not alone, and that we all have been hurt by him. I wish I could guarantee that it would never happen to another person. I want to find a way to put a stop to this monster, legally of course.  I’m not suggesting violence, rather by legal means. I will ask that if you know anyone that knows him, send them the link to this page, so that we can all be sure to share the truth about Coward.