Coward the douche bag, and hindsight.

I go to group once a week for EBT (emotional brain training.) It’s a way to sort of rewire your brain to deal with the anxiety and stresses of life. Obviously for me, it’s dealing with my past and how my past can creep into my present life. I am a pretty happy person, our home is a happy home filled with love, laughter and the place where family & friends, want to come. I have a wonderful marriage and great relationships with my son, stepchildren and my own family. I rack my own brain as to why I can have all this, all this, that is way more than I’d ever thought I’d get, and yet those voices of self-doubt still seep into my thoughts. The mental abuse, the things said, the situations I was in, formed the way I thought about things for some time. It’s hard to break old habits, and this EBT is helping me rewire how I react to things. I’m only one month in, I have a long way to go.

I was thinking the other day about an old friend who knew both Coward and I, so long ago. He was my friend on FB, up until I could no longer take his extremist conservative, right wing rants. The ironic thing was that back in those days I was the conservative one; I didn’t drink minus a wine cooler or two with Coward since he liked girly drinks. I started drinking wine with my boss & her family when I was 25, or an occasional beer after one of my community theater performances. I went to a conservative Baptist church, I didn’t curse, I was never into drugs or anything illegal, I was a registered Republican, had very conservative beliefs, believed spanking children was ok, and so on. Pretty much all of that was COWARD.

I am so happy to say that I am a Democrat, pro-choice, spiritual, Pro Gay Marriage, amazing martini maker, fine wine coinsurer, spanking a child is never o.k., recycling, volunteering, tree-hugging, best friend is Mexican, son is half Portuguese loves everyone even my republican parents-- person. This is me. This is, and who was in my heart all along. That old friend on FB is a lot like Coward—a finger pointing, victim blaming, self-righteous bible-thumping douche bag. Also like Coward but WAY sooner than Coward I got fed up and un-friended him. I wish I could have been back then who I am now. I would have left the first time Coward lost it, and threw that pan of brownies at my head. I would have told everyone what a fucking nutjob he was/is, which is what everyone told me and tells me now. Ugh. Hindsight is 20/20 I know.