Happy Birthday Asshole, hope it sucked.

It’s the birthday of Coward, the asshole from California. What does a monster do to celebrate his birthday?

Does he have his wife, children, step and real shower him with a dinner and gifts? Does he get phone calls from his family, sister, nephews, nieces, grandchildren where they sing him happy birthday? Do old friends call, or send cards and gifts on his special day to celebrate the awesome man he is? Somehow I don’t think that happened for Coward.  No, this is what happened for my husbands birthday, which was last week—which is pretty much what he gets every year from us—except this year a trip was thrown in. I imagine for Coward there was yelling, tension, and forced accolades from the stepdaughters who find him creepy and know that what I’ve said here is true. Nothing like the parties I would throw for him, making him homemade yellow cake with chocolate frosting his favorite, a BBQ, a house full of my friends and a couple or two of his. They were all my friends honestly, minus four S&D, S.P. & D.J—that’s it. Somehow I don’t see that party happening for Coward this year. First, because I’m not around to bring all those people together or the factor that his wife is as welcoming as a porcupine.  Additionally,  there is not enough money in the world to ever have me do anything for him-EVER, again.  Also, most people don’t/didn’t like Coward, he’s just weird. You have no idea when you meet him what lies beneath it's just that you just find him odd, with his mannerisms; the way he speaks, hand movements with his hand waving around when he talks,etc. Surprise he's just not odd-- he abused women!

Wow, almost 50—and boy howdy you did not age well. Then again, time is not kind to abusive monsters. Eventually it starts to eat you from the within, pulling your face and body into the pit of darkness and anger that you call a soul.

 

Coward the douche bag, and hindsight.

I go to group once a week for EBT (emotional brain training.) It’s a way to sort of rewire your brain to deal with the anxiety and stresses of life. Obviously for me, it’s dealing with my past and how my past can creep into my present life. I am a pretty happy person, our home is a happy home filled with love, laughter and the place where family & friends, want to come. I have a wonderful marriage and great relationships with my son, stepchildren and my own family. I rack my own brain as to why I can have all this, all this, that is way more than I’d ever thought I’d get, and yet those voices of self-doubt still seep into my thoughts. The mental abuse, the things said, the situations I was in, formed the way I thought about things for some time. It’s hard to break old habits, and this EBT is helping me rewire how I react to things. I’m only one month in, I have a long way to go.

I was thinking the other day about an old friend who knew both Coward and I, so long ago. He was my friend on FB, up until I could no longer take his extremist conservative, right wing rants. The ironic thing was that back in those days I was the conservative one; I didn’t drink minus a wine cooler or two with Coward since he liked girly drinks. I started drinking wine with my boss & her family when I was 25, or an occasional beer after one of my community theater performances. I went to a conservative Baptist church, I didn’t curse, I was never into drugs or anything illegal, I was a registered Republican, had very conservative beliefs, believed spanking children was ok, and so on. Pretty much all of that was COWARD.

I am so happy to say that I am a Democrat, pro-choice, spiritual, Pro Gay Marriage, amazing martini maker, fine wine coinsurer, spanking a child is never o.k., recycling, volunteering, tree-hugging, best friend is Mexican, son is half Portuguese loves everyone even my republican parents-- person. This is me. This is, and who was in my heart all along. That old friend on FB is a lot like Coward—a finger pointing, victim blaming, self-righteous bible-thumping douche bag. Also like Coward but WAY sooner than Coward I got fed up and un-friended him. I wish I could have been back then who I am now. I would have left the first time Coward lost it, and threw that pan of brownies at my head. I would have told everyone what a fucking nutjob he was/is, which is what everyone told me and tells me now. Ugh. Hindsight is 20/20 I know.

Stairways

I saw the Nanny Cam attack video the other day. I man broke into a house in the middle of the day and attacked a woman brutally as her child was frozen on the couch watching the horrific beating.  I have seen a couple versions of this video; the part where she is pushed down that stairs was a trigger for me and I don’t believe it’s in this video. If you want to know what it was like in my house when Coward lost his shit, watch this video. I have been pushed down the stairs; they were not as tall as the stairs in the video, but steps up to our front and back door 4 steps tall. It still hurts being pushed down hard, or kicked OUT the doors down the steps no matter how tall. I have been kicked with his feet hard as he kicked me off the couch or bed. While Coward only hit my face twice that I can recall, his damage was always below my neck where it could be hidden from others eyes. My legs, stomach, thighs, skins, are where the bruises would be; once or twice he left burns on my wrist from holding them down as he yelled at me. He loved to hold me down knee on my chest yelling at me. What a fucking prick you are Coward. Prick doesn't even touch the deplorable monster that lives inside of you.

This video is insight to what living with domestic violence is like.