Transfer old blog posts

I will be transferring all my old entries, along with some new information that I've been sitting on. Welcome, let the healing begin.

Stopping the Cycle--NO EXCUSES

My mother passed away; she died of kidney disease. It came out of nowhere, I drove down to where she lived, and spent full days, from 8 – midnight at her bedside alongside my father and siblings, and in less than a week she was gone. My heart has only ached this way once before, and that was when I had to bury my daughter. Over the last two years my mom was very ill, but the last four months or so she was getting better or at least stabilized. She had taken her reprieve from being in hospital and recovery homes to open up with us girls about her childhood and past. Little did I know it was her, making amends with her past. She revealed to us that she had been the victim domestic violence to the man she had married before my father. A man only my father knew of, as far as were knew—dad was her only husband.  She was 17 when she ran off to get married in Mexico, to a man ten years older than herself. Quickly she learned that this was not some fairytale story that she imagined it would be; instead it ended up being a nightmare. He beat her, raped her, and when she was pregnant with twins he beat her so severely that she lost them. I almost was in shock to hear my mother tell the story of her life, because in some ways it mimicked mine with Coward. I never told my mother was Coward did to me, out of shame but mostly because I didn’t want her to feel bad that she didn’t see it, or that she didn’t help me. I understand shame very well; it’s what kept me silent for years. I now freely share what Coward did to me and others, because I’m not the one who did anything wrong to be ashamed of, HE DID.

The shame kept my mom silent for 50 years. I wish she would have shared these things when I was younger, so that I would have been more aware of what abuse looked like.

My mother had a really crappy childhood, she married young, was raped, beaten and had to bury two children all before 18. She could have used the hurt that this man inflicted upon her as an excuse to lash out, to beat us, to hurt us or my dad, but she didn’t. She loved, and kissed and hugged us girls all the time. She loved her children, grandchildren & husband deeply and completely.

One thing I want to emphasize is for you to talk about domestic/sexual and child abuse with your children. Tell them when they’re old enough to understand why it’s never ok to hit a woman or man. Tell them it’s never their fault, because they stayed, they dressed a certain way, was “asking for it”—NO EXCUSES and STOP the cycle of ABUSE.

Faithfully an Asshole, Coward of California

Driving back from a trip my husband and I started going over our favorite 80’s music. Throwing out names of bands and singers that had been long forgotten and now where resurrected with our memories. It made me think of one of my favorite bands; Journey, and some of their greatest hits. It triggered a memory of a conversation with Coward about his first girlfriend Cindy.

One day the song, Faithfully by Journey had come on the radio while we driving and he said he hated this song. Why, I asked. “Well it was OUR song, and when Cindy cheated and left me, I couldn’t stand to hear the song any longer.”  Being that I didn’t know the truth yet- of why she had left, only the Coward version of truth so I believed him. The truth was that she left you because you were abusive and a cheater told here, by her in her own words. But you couldn’t tell me that, you’d look bad and you couldn’t play the victim either.  Soon after this conversation with Coward, the band Chicago came out with ,“If she would have been faithful” and this became OUR song.  Coward told me that, “if Cindy hadn’t cheated, then he would have missed out on me, the best thing to ever happen to him.” Hold on for a minute I just had a hardy laugh out loud while I was typing this sentence out.

So to Coward at one point I was the best thing to EVER happen to him. He abused me physically and mentally, cheated, lied, gave me STD’s and so much more. This, was all done to the best thing that ever happened to him, makes you wonder how he treats those he doesn’t like.

Choosing to be with an Abuser

I read a story awhile back about a married with children High school teacher having a inappropriate relationship with a 17 girl who was his student. Besides the normal , “ you’re a deplorable sicko” thoughts going through my head I also thought about his family caught in the crosshairs of the mess he’d made. The wife and children who were going to have to deal with this in their own ways as well; the humiliation, hurt, disgust and a plethora of feelings that they would need to sort through. They didn’t choose this mess. They had no idea of the monster that lied beneath, and were just like the teen he has sex with—victims of his crime.

Then I think of Coward’s wife, Hooker Shoes, and how she chose him, KNOWING about his past. She CHOSE to create a child with this man, a man who has shown he has an affinity for younger girls including her own oldest daughter. She chose him to be around her two other girls as well. She blames everyone else for all the things that Coward’s done. Er, well in her version of reality, these things never happened.  She is not an unwilling victim like the teenager and the pedophiles family, but instead a willing participant.

I once too, like her was loyal to a deadly fault, standing by him no matter what people said. All the stories they would tell me about his infidelities and questionable ways. I had gotten a job at a pizza place in town, and my boss was once friendly with Coward ’s ex-girlfriend. She told me how Coward cheated on the ex, came on to anything that moved, and how she seriously questioned his morality. I didn’t want to hear it she was, “just jealous” Coward told me when I shared what she had said to me.  But when I was deaf to his ways, I was a teenager and Coward’s wife is a 50+ woman; a woman closer to menopause, than puberty.

I cannot wrap my head around how she could willingly do this? I have always been the kind of person who wants to know, WHY? I will never know the answer I’m sure.

While I, and others have been Coward ’s victim and we carry the emotional and for some of us physical scars of what he has done; we can at least know and feel wondrous that we no longer live with a man whom abused women. We will never have to look into the eyes of a man who desired adolescents and had sex with minors amongst all the other horrendous things he’s done.

When I think of that, my arm and spine feels a tad bit better; If only for a moment.

Happy Birthday Asshole, hope it sucked.

It’s the birthday of Coward, the asshole from California. What does a monster do to celebrate his birthday?

Does he have his wife, children, step and real shower him with a dinner and gifts? Does he get phone calls from his family, sister, nephews, nieces, grandchildren where they sing him happy birthday? Do old friends call, or send cards and gifts on his special day to celebrate the awesome man he is? Somehow I don’t think that happened for Coward.  No, this is what happened for my husbands birthday, which was last week—which is pretty much what he gets every year from us—except this year a trip was thrown in. I imagine for Coward there was yelling, tension, and forced accolades from the stepdaughters who find him creepy and know that what I’ve said here is true. Nothing like the parties I would throw for him, making him homemade yellow cake with chocolate frosting his favorite, a BBQ, a house full of my friends and a couple or two of his. They were all my friends honestly, minus four S&D, S.P. & D.J—that’s it. Somehow I don’t see that party happening for Coward this year. First, because I’m not around to bring all those people together or the factor that his wife is as welcoming as a porcupine.  Additionally,  there is not enough money in the world to ever have me do anything for him-EVER, again.  Also, most people don’t/didn’t like Coward, he’s just weird. You have no idea when you meet him what lies beneath it's just that you just find him odd, with his mannerisms; the way he speaks, hand movements with his hand waving around when he talks,etc. Surprise he's just not odd-- he abused women!

Wow, almost 50—and boy howdy you did not age well. Then again, time is not kind to abusive monsters. Eventually it starts to eat you from the within, pulling your face and body into the pit of darkness and anger that you call a soul.

 

Coward the douche bag, and hindsight.

I go to group once a week for EBT (emotional brain training.) It’s a way to sort of rewire your brain to deal with the anxiety and stresses of life. Obviously for me, it’s dealing with my past and how my past can creep into my present life. I am a pretty happy person, our home is a happy home filled with love, laughter and the place where family & friends, want to come. I have a wonderful marriage and great relationships with my son, stepchildren and my own family. I rack my own brain as to why I can have all this, all this, that is way more than I’d ever thought I’d get, and yet those voices of self-doubt still seep into my thoughts. The mental abuse, the things said, the situations I was in, formed the way I thought about things for some time. It’s hard to break old habits, and this EBT is helping me rewire how I react to things. I’m only one month in, I have a long way to go.

I was thinking the other day about an old friend who knew both Coward and I, so long ago. He was my friend on FB, up until I could no longer take his extremist conservative, right wing rants. The ironic thing was that back in those days I was the conservative one; I didn’t drink minus a wine cooler or two with Coward since he liked girly drinks. I started drinking wine with my boss & her family when I was 25, or an occasional beer after one of my community theater performances. I went to a conservative Baptist church, I didn’t curse, I was never into drugs or anything illegal, I was a registered Republican, had very conservative beliefs, believed spanking children was ok, and so on. Pretty much all of that was COWARD.

I am so happy to say that I am a Democrat, pro-choice, spiritual, Pro Gay Marriage, amazing martini maker, fine wine coinsurer, spanking a child is never o.k., recycling, volunteering, tree-hugging, best friend is Mexican, son is half Portuguese loves everyone even my republican parents-- person. This is me. This is, and who was in my heart all along. That old friend on FB is a lot like Coward—a finger pointing, victim blaming, self-righteous bible-thumping douche bag. Also like Coward but WAY sooner than Coward I got fed up and un-friended him. I wish I could have been back then who I am now. I would have left the first time Coward lost it, and threw that pan of brownies at my head. I would have told everyone what a fucking nutjob he was/is, which is what everyone told me and tells me now. Ugh. Hindsight is 20/20 I know.

Stairways

I saw the Nanny Cam attack video the other day. I man broke into a house in the middle of the day and attacked a woman brutally as her child was frozen on the couch watching the horrific beating.  I have seen a couple versions of this video; the part where she is pushed down that stairs was a trigger for me and I don’t believe it’s in this video. If you want to know what it was like in my house when Coward lost his shit, watch this video. I have been pushed down the stairs; they were not as tall as the stairs in the video, but steps up to our front and back door 4 steps tall. It still hurts being pushed down hard, or kicked OUT the doors down the steps no matter how tall. I have been kicked with his feet hard as he kicked me off the couch or bed. While Coward only hit my face twice that I can recall, his damage was always below my neck where it could be hidden from others eyes. My legs, stomach, thighs, skins, are where the bruises would be; once or twice he left burns on my wrist from holding them down as he yelled at me. He loved to hold me down knee on my chest yelling at me. What a fucking prick you are Coward. Prick doesn't even touch the deplorable monster that lives inside of you.

This video is insight to what living with domestic violence is like.