Choosing to be with an Abuser

I read a story awhile back about a married with children High school teacher having a inappropriate relationship with a 17 girl who was his student. Besides the normal , “ you’re a deplorable sicko” thoughts going through my head I also thought about his family caught in the crosshairs of the mess he’d made. The wife and children who were going to have to deal with this in their own ways as well; the humiliation, hurt, disgust and a plethora of feelings that they would need to sort through. They didn’t choose this mess. They had no idea of the monster that lied beneath, and were just like the teen he has sex with—victims of his crime.

Then I think of Coward’s wife, Hooker Shoes, and how she chose him, KNOWING about his past. She CHOSE to create a child with this man, a man who has shown he has an affinity for younger girls including her own oldest daughter. She chose him to be around her two other girls as well. She blames everyone else for all the things that Coward’s done. Er, well in her version of reality, these things never happened.  She is not an unwilling victim like the teenager and the pedophiles family, but instead a willing participant.

I once too, like her was loyal to a deadly fault, standing by him no matter what people said. All the stories they would tell me about his infidelities and questionable ways. I had gotten a job at a pizza place in town, and my boss was once friendly with Coward ’s ex-girlfriend. She told me how Coward cheated on the ex, came on to anything that moved, and how she seriously questioned his morality. I didn’t want to hear it she was, “just jealous” Coward told me when I shared what she had said to me.  But when I was deaf to his ways, I was a teenager and Coward’s wife is a 50+ woman; a woman closer to menopause, than puberty.

I cannot wrap my head around how she could willingly do this? I have always been the kind of person who wants to know, WHY? I will never know the answer I’m sure.

While I, and others have been Coward ’s victim and we carry the emotional and for some of us physical scars of what he has done; we can at least know and feel wondrous that we no longer live with a man whom abused women. We will never have to look into the eyes of a man who desired adolescents and had sex with minors amongst all the other horrendous things he’s done.

When I think of that, my arm and spine feels a tad bit better; If only for a moment.

Happy Birthday Asshole, hope it sucked.

It’s the birthday of Coward, the asshole from California. What does a monster do to celebrate his birthday?

Does he have his wife, children, step and real shower him with a dinner and gifts? Does he get phone calls from his family, sister, nephews, nieces, grandchildren where they sing him happy birthday? Do old friends call, or send cards and gifts on his special day to celebrate the awesome man he is? Somehow I don’t think that happened for Coward.  No, this is what happened for my husbands birthday, which was last week—which is pretty much what he gets every year from us—except this year a trip was thrown in. I imagine for Coward there was yelling, tension, and forced accolades from the stepdaughters who find him creepy and know that what I’ve said here is true. Nothing like the parties I would throw for him, making him homemade yellow cake with chocolate frosting his favorite, a BBQ, a house full of my friends and a couple or two of his. They were all my friends honestly, minus four S&D, S.P. & D.J—that’s it. Somehow I don’t see that party happening for Coward this year. First, because I’m not around to bring all those people together or the factor that his wife is as welcoming as a porcupine.  Additionally,  there is not enough money in the world to ever have me do anything for him-EVER, again.  Also, most people don’t/didn’t like Coward, he’s just weird. You have no idea when you meet him what lies beneath it's just that you just find him odd, with his mannerisms; the way he speaks, hand movements with his hand waving around when he talks,etc. Surprise he's just not odd-- he abused women!

Wow, almost 50—and boy howdy you did not age well. Then again, time is not kind to abusive monsters. Eventually it starts to eat you from the within, pulling your face and body into the pit of darkness and anger that you call a soul.

 

Coward the douche bag, and hindsight.

I go to group once a week for EBT (emotional brain training.) It’s a way to sort of rewire your brain to deal with the anxiety and stresses of life. Obviously for me, it’s dealing with my past and how my past can creep into my present life. I am a pretty happy person, our home is a happy home filled with love, laughter and the place where family & friends, want to come. I have a wonderful marriage and great relationships with my son, stepchildren and my own family. I rack my own brain as to why I can have all this, all this, that is way more than I’d ever thought I’d get, and yet those voices of self-doubt still seep into my thoughts. The mental abuse, the things said, the situations I was in, formed the way I thought about things for some time. It’s hard to break old habits, and this EBT is helping me rewire how I react to things. I’m only one month in, I have a long way to go.

I was thinking the other day about an old friend who knew both Coward and I, so long ago. He was my friend on FB, up until I could no longer take his extremist conservative, right wing rants. The ironic thing was that back in those days I was the conservative one; I didn’t drink minus a wine cooler or two with Coward since he liked girly drinks. I started drinking wine with my boss & her family when I was 25, or an occasional beer after one of my community theater performances. I went to a conservative Baptist church, I didn’t curse, I was never into drugs or anything illegal, I was a registered Republican, had very conservative beliefs, believed spanking children was ok, and so on. Pretty much all of that was COWARD.

I am so happy to say that I am a Democrat, pro-choice, spiritual, Pro Gay Marriage, amazing martini maker, fine wine coinsurer, spanking a child is never o.k., recycling, volunteering, tree-hugging, best friend is Mexican, son is half Portuguese loves everyone even my republican parents-- person. This is me. This is, and who was in my heart all along. That old friend on FB is a lot like Coward—a finger pointing, victim blaming, self-righteous bible-thumping douche bag. Also like Coward but WAY sooner than Coward I got fed up and un-friended him. I wish I could have been back then who I am now. I would have left the first time Coward lost it, and threw that pan of brownies at my head. I would have told everyone what a fucking nutjob he was/is, which is what everyone told me and tells me now. Ugh. Hindsight is 20/20 I know.

Stairways

I saw the Nanny Cam attack video the other day. I man broke into a house in the middle of the day and attacked a woman brutally as her child was frozen on the couch watching the horrific beating.  I have seen a couple versions of this video; the part where she is pushed down that stairs was a trigger for me and I don’t believe it’s in this video. If you want to know what it was like in my house when Coward lost his shit, watch this video. I have been pushed down the stairs; they were not as tall as the stairs in the video, but steps up to our front and back door 4 steps tall. It still hurts being pushed down hard, or kicked OUT the doors down the steps no matter how tall. I have been kicked with his feet hard as he kicked me off the couch or bed. While Coward only hit my face twice that I can recall, his damage was always below my neck where it could be hidden from others eyes. My legs, stomach, thighs, skins, are where the bruises would be; once or twice he left burns on my wrist from holding them down as he yelled at me. He loved to hold me down knee on my chest yelling at me. What a fucking prick you are Coward. Prick doesn't even touch the deplorable monster that lives inside of you.

This video is insight to what living with domestic violence is like.

 

Coward & Nigella Lawson's Husband are two peas in a pod, just across the pond from each other

  

I love Nigella Lawson. I have her cookbooks; have watched her shows and have admired her fiery, no holds barred approach to life and cooking. Over the weekend there were pictures of her husband of 10 years  and herself, in an argument where it  eventually escalated to him putting his hands around her throat. Nigella Lawson is an highly educated, extremely successful woman. I know people are asking themselves how could this happen to her? It happened, because domestic violence happens everywhere. Seeing the picture of the hands of Nigella's husbands wrapped around her throat, made me get a lump in mine. It brought back memories of Coward slamming me against the wall hands on my neck and pushing his arms against my collar bone. It brought back memories of him holding my arms down while we were at restaurants so he could belittle me, make me listen to his crazy incoherent rants and I had to stop and listen--there was no escape. Just like the incident with Nigella where noone said anything but instead watched, no one offered any me help either. Not for a minute do I believe the load of bullshit from Nigella's husband, with his statement that the pictures look worse than it really are, it was just a little argument-he said. He is an abuser-period. Just imagine what happens BEHIND closed doors. I do, I know exactly what does/did--because I've been in her shoes.

I was with Coward for nearly 10 years myself, and the question people asked when I told them what happened me is..HOW? How could that happen to you, you're a happy, intelligent, educated woman; this is the kind of thing that happens to ghetto, uneducated, seven kids from six daddies kind of thing. No, this can happen to anyone. I can only imagine what Nigella is thinking and going through. I'm sure she is embarrassed, mad, angry, ashamed, humiliated and so many other things. But the one things she needs to feel is love, love from those of us who have been there. She needs to feel love from those who would never be ok with a man doing this, and that place NO blame on her whatsoever. It is not your fault, no matter if you argued back, like I have. It's not your fault because of something you did, or didn't do or whatever goddamn excuses he gives you for his justification of his actions. You and your children deserve better. I'm rooting for you Nigella and all others in her shoes.

Bumper Sticker: I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

I read this bumper sticker once that said, " The things you hate the most, is what you desire the most." I'm guessing some church gave those out in hopes of letting you feel good about all the people who dislike you, because that is a load of crap!

No? Example. I hate pedophiles. I don't want to be one, nor could I ever or would be one. I hate parents, men, and women who abuse; children, elderly, women, men, animals. But I am not, nor would I ever abuse someone. I also dislike Bleu cheese and believe it is vile and smells like gym socks, but I don't want to be a block of stinky cheese.

The first two things, I honestly do hate, the last one I just dislike. They are not the same word, not even close-- two very different meanings. I honestly do not hate many things in this life, and I sparingly use this word because when I do express it- I fully mean it.  I hate Coward.  The thing is, love is NOT the opposite of hate, it's indifference.  I haven't gotten to that point with him yet. I know that in order to move forward I need to forgive Coward. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but it's not for him that I need to forgive, it's for me.

All the things I went through, all the manipulation, lies, betrayal, physical and emotional abuse, all of it made me so much stronger. It also caused me to be very empathetic and sympathetic to many people on many issues hence why, I have a big soft heart. I became very sensitive to what makes a good man, father, husband, just a good human being. It made me see what is really important in life, and what's not.

Like when I got divorced, I have remained friendly with my ex, with an open door policy because I knew that my ex was a good dad who loved our son, and in the end that's all that mattered. I don't care about money, or being difficult with him--that will get me nowhere except going in circles.  The end result is a great, happy, kid, who is grounded, secure and knows that he is loved by us all. When I kept that in mind with my bonus children from my present husband it made it easy to love them too. I am proud, that almost 14 years of being their step mom and my stepson tells me I'm one of his most favorite people on the planet; and the feeling is mutual. My stepdaughter loves me too, calls me mom & I'm Mi-Mi to her children.

I'm letting love fuel my life, and I appreciate true, honest, respectful love SO, SO much because of what I had to go through. Because I have an loving, honest, cheating or lying is not an option ever man in my life, giving me support to work through this I know I will come out on the other side.

So for those of you who have wandered here looking for answers of WHY? HOW? and will it get better for me? The answer is YES, but not with him. Your new life is out there waiting for you, you just have to take the first and very hard steps to get there.

I knew about a year before I kicked Coward out, that I wanted out. I knew he was never going to be what I wanted, he was never going to change. It took me a YEAR to muster up the strength and courage to put all his stuff on the lawn. If I wouldn't have kicked him out I would have stayed with him, for who knows how long. I'm so grateful that I didn't--I would never have gotten the chance on this life.

There is HOPE.

Patrick Stewart, Domestic Violence

My husband shared this link on Facebook today, it should have come with a warning. So I'll warn you now, this will be hard for you in some spots. Well, those of you with a heart.

I am a Star Trek fan, not a Trekkie, but a fan. Coward and I would watch The Next Generation religiously when it was on, with him doing a flight simulation with his hand to the theme song. That descriptive last sentence was to tell you that my memory of those days, is sharp and clear. There is no me misconstruing or twisting things to paint myself in a certain light, what I've shared here is REAL & the TRUTH. I share things here to share the story of me, of what happened to me, my life and my body. I also share to let other women, girls, men too--know that they're not alone. I share because if what you read makes you rethink things, and recall those moments where your inner voice told you this is wrong...then I've helped one person not live through what I had to. I have saved someone.

I've always been a fan of Patrick Stewart, aka Jean Luc Picarad, he always came across to me as; strong, intelligent and if I was lost he would be the kind of guy to save me. The following video is where Patrick Stewart is asked by a fan about his childhood and how Patrick's mother was a victim of domestic violence. All those things I thought of Patrick Stewart, we're spot on--and my respect for him has multiplied a million times.


BTW watch it ALL the way to the end.