Coward & Nigella Lawson's Husband are two peas in a pod, just across the pond from each other

  

I love Nigella Lawson. I have her cookbooks; have watched her shows and have admired her fiery, no holds barred approach to life and cooking. Over the weekend there were pictures of her husband of 10 years  and herself, in an argument where it  eventually escalated to him putting his hands around her throat. Nigella Lawson is an highly educated, extremely successful woman. I know people are asking themselves how could this happen to her? It happened, because domestic violence happens everywhere. Seeing the picture of the hands of Nigella's husbands wrapped around her throat, made me get a lump in mine. It brought back memories of Coward slamming me against the wall hands on my neck and pushing his arms against my collar bone. It brought back memories of him holding my arms down while we were at restaurants so he could belittle me, make me listen to his crazy incoherent rants and I had to stop and listen--there was no escape. Just like the incident with Nigella where noone said anything but instead watched, no one offered any me help either. Not for a minute do I believe the load of bullshit from Nigella's husband, with his statement that the pictures look worse than it really are, it was just a little argument-he said. He is an abuser-period. Just imagine what happens BEHIND closed doors. I do, I know exactly what does/did--because I've been in her shoes.

I was with Coward for nearly 10 years myself, and the question people asked when I told them what happened me is..HOW? How could that happen to you, you're a happy, intelligent, educated woman; this is the kind of thing that happens to ghetto, uneducated, seven kids from six daddies kind of thing. No, this can happen to anyone. I can only imagine what Nigella is thinking and going through. I'm sure she is embarrassed, mad, angry, ashamed, humiliated and so many other things. But the one things she needs to feel is love, love from those of us who have been there. She needs to feel love from those who would never be ok with a man doing this, and that place NO blame on her whatsoever. It is not your fault, no matter if you argued back, like I have. It's not your fault because of something you did, or didn't do or whatever goddamn excuses he gives you for his justification of his actions. You and your children deserve better. I'm rooting for you Nigella and all others in her shoes.

Bumper Sticker: I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

I read this bumper sticker once that said, " The things you hate the most, is what you desire the most." I'm guessing some church gave those out in hopes of letting you feel good about all the people who dislike you, because that is a load of crap!

No? Example. I hate pedophiles. I don't want to be one, nor could I ever or would be one. I hate parents, men, and women who abuse; children, elderly, women, men, animals. But I am not, nor would I ever abuse someone. I also dislike Bleu cheese and believe it is vile and smells like gym socks, but I don't want to be a block of stinky cheese.

The first two things, I honestly do hate, the last one I just dislike. They are not the same word, not even close-- two very different meanings. I honestly do not hate many things in this life, and I sparingly use this word because when I do express it- I fully mean it.  I hate Coward.  The thing is, love is NOT the opposite of hate, it's indifference.  I haven't gotten to that point with him yet. I know that in order to move forward I need to forgive Coward. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but it's not for him that I need to forgive, it's for me.

All the things I went through, all the manipulation, lies, betrayal, physical and emotional abuse, all of it made me so much stronger. It also caused me to be very empathetic and sympathetic to many people on many issues hence why, I have a big soft heart. I became very sensitive to what makes a good man, father, husband, just a good human being. It made me see what is really important in life, and what's not.

Like when I got divorced, I have remained friendly with my ex, with an open door policy because I knew that my ex was a good dad who loved our son, and in the end that's all that mattered. I don't care about money, or being difficult with him--that will get me nowhere except going in circles.  The end result is a great, happy, kid, who is grounded, secure and knows that he is loved by us all. When I kept that in mind with my bonus children from my present husband it made it easy to love them too. I am proud, that almost 14 years of being their step mom and my stepson tells me I'm one of his most favorite people on the planet; and the feeling is mutual. My stepdaughter loves me too, calls me mom & I'm Mi-Mi to her children.

I'm letting love fuel my life, and I appreciate true, honest, respectful love SO, SO much because of what I had to go through. Because I have an loving, honest, cheating or lying is not an option ever man in my life, giving me support to work through this I know I will come out on the other side.

So for those of you who have wandered here looking for answers of WHY? HOW? and will it get better for me? The answer is YES, but not with him. Your new life is out there waiting for you, you just have to take the first and very hard steps to get there.

I knew about a year before I kicked Coward out, that I wanted out. I knew he was never going to be what I wanted, he was never going to change. It took me a YEAR to muster up the strength and courage to put all his stuff on the lawn. If I wouldn't have kicked him out I would have stayed with him, for who knows how long. I'm so grateful that I didn't--I would never have gotten the chance on this life.

There is HOPE.

Patrick Stewart, Domestic Violence

My husband shared this link on Facebook today, it should have come with a warning. So I'll warn you now, this will be hard for you in some spots. Well, those of you with a heart.

I am a Star Trek fan, not a Trekkie, but a fan. Coward and I would watch The Next Generation religiously when it was on, with him doing a flight simulation with his hand to the theme song. That descriptive last sentence was to tell you that my memory of those days, is sharp and clear. There is no me misconstruing or twisting things to paint myself in a certain light, what I've shared here is REAL & the TRUTH. I share things here to share the story of me, of what happened to me, my life and my body. I also share to let other women, girls, men too--know that they're not alone. I share because if what you read makes you rethink things, and recall those moments where your inner voice told you this is wrong...then I've helped one person not live through what I had to. I have saved someone.

I've always been a fan of Patrick Stewart, aka Jean Luc Picarad, he always came across to me as; strong, intelligent and if I was lost he would be the kind of guy to save me. The following video is where Patrick Stewart is asked by a fan about his childhood and how Patrick's mother was a victim of domestic violence. All those things I thought of Patrick Stewart, we're spot on--and my respect for him has multiplied a million times.


BTW watch it ALL the way to the end.

Sexual interest in pubescent and adolescent individuals–Coward of California, this is you.

I walked on eggshells every day. It was a coin toss whether Coward was going to be a good mood or bad when he came home. I swear I could sense it sometimes miles before he reached our house. If I had other people there, he would instantly slap on his, “I’m awesome” mask and play the dutiful and loving boyfriend. It didn’t matter that I kept a clean house, a beautiful yard, made homemade meals, kept myself attractive, and pleasured him sexually almost daily; it was never enough. I know that honestly it never could be enough, because it wasn’t about me, it was about what was wrong with him.

I’m the oldest of several sisters’; little did I know this would be heaven for someone like him who desired young teen or pre-pubescent girls. I would ask my sisters, friends or my mother to come over to eat dinner, watch shows, play card or board games…whatever it would take to get someone to be there to help buffer his moods. His favorite guest, were my two younger sisters; especially the youngest. One of the two younger sister’s didn’t like Coward, and told me, ‘he was creepy and gave her the hebbie jeebies.” I dismissed it as she just didn’t like him, and brushed it aside. Later when one of my best friends whom I’m still friends with, point blank said she did not trust or like Coward and that she too got the hebbie jeebies from him;  “she must be gay” was his response about her feelings. It was never Coward, it was always something with them. Oh Coward, we still laugh about this line, that’s some funny narcissistic shit there.

I soon understood just how much he liked my littlest sister when she stayed the night once. She was a sleep on the couch in the living room when she awoke with a nightmare. Since she was frightened and it was the middle of the night, I told her to crawl into bed with me and that Coward would take the couch. No, he would not be doing that; he wanted to sleep in the bed with her too, and between us. He wanted to sleep between my 20 year old self and my 13 year old sister. I let him, oh my god I let him. I was thinking more along the lines of he sees her as his little sister, so it’s ok. Soon after I fell asleep I found his hand downs my panties trying to get me wet, and he wanted me to masturbate him, while he slept next to my little sister. I did not get him off, and told him it was probably better if I slept between them after all. He was angry, but he didn’t want to wake her so he agreed to it. I would find the next day when making the bed his shirt from the floor sticky as he had masturbated while I was asleep. I would never let that bed situation happen again. EVER.

About 9 months or so after I had kicked him out, my littlest sister was living in Madera with her infant son. She called me to tell me that Coward knew a mutual friend of hers and had tracked her down her phone number and he had called to ask her out. She rebuffed him instantly, and was sickened that he would ask her out after dating her sister. Also she didn’t like him and thought he was creepy and unattractive, besides the fact that he dated her sister once. He was on a mission to obtain something that he’d been after, since she was 10 years old when he first met her…thank god he never succeeded.

Blaming the Victim-- Just-World Hypothesis

In one of my Psychology classes we learned about a theory called, Just-world hypothesis.   I've put the link to the page for you to read it in more detail. To summarize what the just-world hypothesis is about is this.: People blame the victim because they feel that they would never put themselves into the situations I've shared here. They would have left Coward, called the police, told everyone and anyone what was going on behind closed doors. I must have done something to justify being beat, humiliated, scarred physically for life. This is how those that protect Coward and his actions justify their loyalties. When the bombing in, Boston happened it scared you because it was so random and therefore the people that were hurt by the terrorist didn't deserve it. But domestic abuse, rape, etc could happen to you as a woman or man and it scares you, therefore you turn your fear to blame. When you're scared you start to rationalize the actions of Coward. There is no excuse for what he did to anyone. There's no making it ok what he did to me and others, including my daughter and the baby that Cindy was forced to abort. I don't care how many ice creams cones, closets of clothes, or love letters he writes...it will NEVER be okay to protect an abuser. This includes even if you don't like the person he abused, what he did was WRONG.     WOMEN ARE NOT GUILTY FOR VIOLENCE COMMITTED BY MEN ON OUR BODY, MIND, AND SPIRIT. THIS VIOLENCE HAPPENS BECAUSE OF MEN'S GREATER POWER AND THEIR MISUSE OF THAT POWER. If you search Just -world hypothesis you would find a vast amount of information on the subject matter.

Filing a report against your abuser

It was suggested to me that while the statue of limitations was passed on making a report of domestic violence, I do so anyhow. It would not be the same as making a report where they could arrest him, but it would go in a file and if anyone comes forward with new charges, it will trigger a red flag.  After I told stories of the physical and mental abuse, the officer taking my report told me with not only his words but with his face that he was deeply sorry for what I went through. I think it’s just one of the steps, I need to take in order to move forward. I know that for myself I am seeking contrition from Coward, for the acts of violence against me and the other’s. I said so too;I’m seeking contrition for us all. This isn’t just about me and how it's affected me, because I know that domestic violence is far reaching. I would suggest you speak to your mental health provider before attempting this, but I know that for myself it was cathartic.

 If I would have reported him for having sex with me when I was 17 and he was 21 he would have served time for a felony. The penalty increases if the perpetrator is more than three years older than the victim, and I was.  Not including that if the other’s girls would have reported him, he would have been in there for a very long time for sex with them when they were minors as well. I knew at least one of the girls before me was even younger than me, she was 16. This is just for the statuary rape; this isn’t even about the domestic violence he committed against us, three major players in his game of Coward, bully- of women.

Our voices could have made him serve time, and kept him off the market to do this to another woman. I can woulda, coulda, shoulda, myself to death, and beat myself up for not reporting him, and for me protecting him and what lied beneath his bible totting ways. For now, I am just grateful that I am a victor, no longer his victim.

Seeker of Truth

I will reiterate, every story I share here is; 100% true. Wanting it to not be the truth, doesn't make it so.